Remembering What You Can't Remember

[River Black]

River sat on the dock, feet dangling off, eyes set on the horizon. All day she had watched ships come in with the excitement of a little kid, but the day was drawing to a close, and soon she would have to return to her dreaded life, the life of hers that she hated so much. She counted her tears as they fell into the ocean. She could never be trusted. Too wild, too unpredictable, a wild mustang that they had captured to tame but left in a dark stall, wanting to know about the outside world but not being trusted to leave it in one piece. And one day she would just break out, and no one knew when. She felt the fear, she could hear the whispers, sense the stares, they didn’t know but she took it all in. It was the fact that she was never alone that made her so lonely, so longing to get better and feel the sun with her skin, see the sky with her eyes, hear the wind with her ears, smell the earth with her nose, and taste the fresh air with her tongue, but she couldn’t, now that her life was planned out before her by people who only wanted to use her as a tool, and she couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard she tried. She tried as hard as she could, but she always ended up hurting the wrong people, because she couldn’t see their faces. Nothing was clear anymore, except that singular path she hated so much. And now she had to take her footsteps, and see where the combination of her past and herself would take her.

She was just remembering, remembering all the things that created her life as it was. So many memories…and some weren’t hers, and some were made up, and others were created by people who didn’t want her to forget. She tried to block those all away, and find the ones that mattered, the ones from before, from her childhood, the childhood that should still be going on, but those were the ones that were the most confusing, all jumbled up. It was like watching a movie where the middle was the end and the end was the middle and the beginning was the end, but the sounds went in the right order, except that they were spoken sideways.

It was too difficult, trying to see that far into the past. It was a mess, and she never had the time to fix it, and she never could. It was lost, her whole life until fourteen was forgotten, with the exception of a few scenes and words that didn’t go together. It hurt her to not be able to remember the good times, the times that were the only reason she could go on.

River breathed in deeply, a small and sad smile taking place on her face, but she didn’t know why. It was the way she moved, the way she thought, the way her life took place, an observer, a watcher, the rim of the wheel of life, and always on the bottom. She was light, she was dark, she was day, she was night, she was a blessing, she was a curse, she was a reason to smile, she was a reason to cry, she was everything, she was nothing. She mattered so much, yet to all the wrong people.

She was beyond the point of no return. How could life go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? She wanted to get better, she longed to. With all of her heart, she wanted to be the cause of something good, she wanted to help, but she couldn’t. No one could trust her to be consistent, to follow through on any word she gave. She was a child that never grew up, and had to be given constant care. Life for everyone would be better without her. She wanted to push it away, but she couldn’t, the feeling only grew, all the things they thought she didn’t know…

[``Jennifer MacKenzie]

I am Jennifer Olivia Alexander Livingston MacKenzie Jenny thought as she glared at the filthy old man before her. And no man is better than a woman of the Clan MacKenzie! Oh yes, it was arrogant as hell. It also was, the haughty young woman truely believed, the absolute truth. Clan MacKenzie was a massive Clan, with ties to many othe influential Clans; they were even within the nobility and royalty. Why, they were almost royalty themselves.
That was more than the crusty, muckled-minded merchant could claim.

The weathered merchant had tried to cheat Jenny into buying a bushel of apples along with her others purchses; when she had refused, he had gotten stern, and condescending, and had raised the price of his goods. Jenny, being the person that she was, had gotten rather fashed, and may have said some things that she wouldn't have said within her fathers hearing.
Needless to say, they were now at a passe, and then only thing that prevented the young lady from looking down her nose at him was the fact that she stood barely four feet four inches; mid-chest area for the man.

It was, Jenny recalled, the reason she preferred stealing to buying. The muckies and merchants all tried to take advantage of her size and apparent gender: a young, follish boy was easy game for most. It was too bad, really. She was fifteen, not ten, and a girl. All that wasted effort, for nothing.
Well, maybe not so wasted, after all. They would get a few extra crescents for their efforts.

"The king shall hear about this," Jenny said succintly as she pocketed her sporran in her knapsack. She did not wear it in the traditional way, simply because it would be unwelcome in Sceith, it would betray the Clan she was from, and, well, it was too big for her small frame. It was embarrassing, but true; not everybody was as large as her father.
The man's eyes had followed every movement, noting greedily which pocket in her knapsack the money had been placed. He didn't seem particularily perturbed at her announcement, which irritated Jenny more than she cared to admit.

Yes, Jenny had purchased the ridiculously high priced goods; she really needed the rope, and the oats was a must. How else would she make parritch?
With a narrow-lidded glare, Jenny stalked away from the stand in righteous fury and made her way for the docks; for where else would she go?
The salty aroma of the sea, the smell fo the brine and water, the squall of gulls. It was nostalgic to home, and offered the lonesome young Hebridean a moment of peace. It was also a great place to hide and plan.

[River Black]

River's eyes flitted off into the sky, observing the very air like an interesting piece of art. The sun shining through thin clouds gave off an almost eerie golden light. It was heavier, thicker, more dense, and harder to breathe in, at least to River. She choked on it. It swallowed her whole and pushed her around until she was so dizzy she had to stop and shake her head to clear it all away.

She stood herself up and brushed off dirt that wasn't there. Before turning to walk back to the solid land, she leaned over the water. Her eyes glimmered and she gave a rare smile. Her eyes darted everywhere over the water, taking it all in like a young child at an amusement park.

"It shines like a glass, but it's broken, how can that be?"

She straightened herself ad gave one last sad look out to sea, knowing that she wouldn't be able to return for a long time. She could never decide. Half the time she was remote-controlled, the other half she was a River she didn't know. Moments when she truly was River were scarce, and they were growing scarcer, because their hold on her was growing. They were learning more about what buttons did what, they could more accurately tell what she was going to do, or at least guess. She was a toy, a robot, a weapon. Where was the girl? Lost forever in floating memories...

Her heavy combat boots made a heavy clonking noise on the boards that were permanently wet. Her gaze of wonderment had turned into an icy glare, and she was once more the weapon. But it often changed so fast that she could barely tell the difference between them.

She saw a young girl not too far away. Yes, although she was dressed as a boy, she could tell that she was a girl. A flash of a memory came through her, and she was thankful that it was her own memory. It was Simon and her...playing outside in the sunshine...picking hodgeberries...

Jealousy came through her, but for only a second because she couldn't stay long as the person who was jealous. Instead she frowned and breathed a long, shallow breath.

[``Jennifer MacKenzie]

As Jenny walked across the docks, she paid little heed to the path she tread.
The wood that made up the docks on the outcroppings of the wharves were not in the best of conditions, having been exposed to the ruthless elements of wind and water. It creaked under the weight of Jenny, and in some parts it even sagged a little.
It was a dangerous place to be, for any, but especially for a young girl of scarcely fifteen. Who knew what might happen: would the wood collapse underneath her weight? Would she stumble and fall into the water? Or would something far more sinister happen?
It was a vague, passing thought, that the docks really should be repaired. However, it was quickly dismissed with the knowedge of where she was: Sceith, and under the rule of the Tyrant King, no less.

The mere thought of the Tyrant King, that cruel man that had instigiated the attacks that had killed her fathe,r was enought to send shivers coursing down her back. It had been ingrained in her, for as long as she could remember, that to fear the Tyrant King was not an act of cowardice, but a prudent decision. It was a fool who thought the Tyrant King was naught to be reckoned with.
There had been rumors about the man for as long as she had lived, and a year in his very kingdom had bequeathed her with a healthy fear of the man. It was said that nothing was said or done without the knowledge of his Magesty the Tyrant.

Of course, if that was true, then he knew about her and Rollo, the wolf that the young red-head had saved and be-friended over the past year.
Jenny halted suddenly, her feet planting themselves into the grain of the the wood, her chosen location of halt putting her at a corner post. The post was wrapped with salt-saturated rope, and had been worn away by the wind and sea. The edges were frayed, and stained with gull droppings.
However, as Jennifer knelt down beside the post and then slid her feet over the edge of the wood to suspend in mid-air, she steadied herself with a hand on the rope, and took no notice of the crud.

As she swung her feet, Jenny thought about the wolf that she called 'friend'. He was big, and gray - a normal color - and very clever. He had saved her, that one day, and had ever since been a part of her life. Sometimes he was there, and others he was off on his own quest.
Whenever they were together, Jenny felt safe, and protected: a rare feeling to be found within the lands of Sceith.
The girl swung her legs back and forth, and old habit that suited a child of seven better than a young woman of fifteen. She was also humming, the sounds in rhythem with the swings of her legs; at several interval she also uttered the name Rollo. Which could be a rather ironic name, as it meant 'wolf' in the Old language.

Several times the girl would look up and about, but she would see nothing. Or rather, she would see nothing but the dark forms of the gulls above, the gentle lap of the salty waves, the sway of the ships as they were bombarded by the motion of the sea. All thing you would expect to see in a port.

[River Black]

x

River frowned as the girl started swinging her legs over the edge of the dock, even though she had just been doing that herself. She barely remembered what she had just done. There were only two things she knew in this world: What had happened to her, and her brother. Only those two things marked the fuzzy outline of what made River, River. They were those two fragile bits that couldn't be taken away from her that she held onto to, even though she didn't know she did so. Unconsciously, she knew that they were the dearest possessions, because they were what could make her better one day.But those two parts of her were shoved farther and farther in as they put more and more layers of what they wanted her to be over her. Ever since they found out that she had a brother they had tried to make her forget him. But that part of her knew, deep down, that they would never succeed. And she also knew that they would be foolish to try. Even when she had no idea who she was, it was the thought of that person, that person she knew cared, that kept her going on. Even on the days she couldn't remember his name, she knew he existed. He was a splinter of light in a world full of shadows. He was the small prick of hope that reminded her that she had once been someone else.

River's frown grew harsher as she looked at the girl she carelessly swinging her legs. It was the simplicity of the scene that bothered her. It was just a girl sitting on a dock and she longed it could be her. Just one strike and the pain would be over completely...

"They always look at the daisies, the pretty little daisies that pop their faces. Cause dark woods are scary, didn't you know? You don't want to look at them. They've got secrets, and pasts, daisies just have right now," River giggled, letting the motion take up her entire body. For most girls, giggling was something happy, and it was a pleasant thing to do. But no one could look at River giggling and think it was 'cute.' She was smiling with her mouth, but not with her eyes; they still looked blank and dark, void of all the life they had once had.

[``Jennifer MacKenzie]

It was the giggling that drew Jenny's head. The high tones tinkled, and practically commanded that all look at her. And they did.
What Jennifer saw sent chills down her spine and caused the hairs on her neck to creep up. The cause wasn't that the girl was unfortunate looking, unbearable so. Nor was it because she was in the act of something evil. No, it was more the aura that the girl secreted, a subtle mixture of innocence and extreme violence, contained within, just barely.

Animals knows and understand such threats. Some inborn instinct, some seventh sense tells them who and what a person is. And all animals, no matter how small or how powerful or how tame, knows a predator, a danger.
For all that humanity could walk on its hind legs and live in a 'civilized' manner, humans were a branch of the People. They were, on some deep level, animals, and they retained few of their animalistic heritage. One such, some had, was the intuitive knowledge of a predator.

The girl before Jenny, with her long dark hair and maniacal giggle, was a predator in every meaning and sense of the word.

They say that humanity had repressed the urges that aliked them to mere animals. That clothes and the 'taming' of fire set them apart from the rest of the world. On some level, they're right; but on others, they're dead wrong.
The most basic of urges were still there; the need for others, the drive to reproduce, the feel of the hunt and the need to flee. Hardwired into the very core of humanities being, dressed up to appeal to the modern tastes, but still there, lurking.

The young red-head, who had stopped the swinging of her legs the moment she had laid eyes on the other girl, was feeling one of the most powerful and most basic urges of them all. The need to flee, the need to survive.
But, the attempt to push these instincts away had, while not completely erradicating them, watered them down. And the urge to flee was an equal combatant to the fear that froze her; if a rabbit stands still, the predator will not hunt it.

It remained to be seen, however, if this predator adhered to the laws of the People, or if it had been corrupted by the filth of humanity...
And Jenny meant to find out. "Hello?"

[River Black]

x

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb with a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold



A smile that was anything but sweet took over her face. It was like she was remembering the times in which hunters would bear their teeth before settling in for the prey, except that she hadn't gotten it quite right. Somewhere inside, she knew how easy it would be, how wonderfully feeling a kill would be. She hadn't killed anyone for a long time, which was quite odd. She knew that if she wanted, she could. All she needed was a passing whim and it would be over quickly, too quickly. But part of her was struggling to remember was always happened after she killed someone, the image of that person, that person screaming, that person she always knew cared, and sometimes, she remembered enough to care back. Their eyes would be wide and their mouth open, and then they would leave, and not rescue her. They would shut the door to her cell, but now, they put something up to block the tiny barred window in which a sliver of light had previously shined through. And it would be over, no chance of escape, no time for passing fancy now, not a single molecule for dreaming, and she would forever be trapped in that darkness.

"Such a funny word...hello, means nothing, but betrays all. Without something to make a peep, no reason, no flesh, unless flesh is known, but how else to seek it? Only truth..."

And then, for only a second, she locked eyes with the young girl, dark brown eyes meeting dark blue ones, and she knew everything. Everything in the past, present, and future was betrayed in a single look. It was like before she had just been dipping her toe in the river but now she had jumped under the waterfall. Memories that weren't hers were flowing past , and she only caught snippets of them. And more poignant than anything else was the distinct stench of fear. It clouded her nostrils and her brain like a poisonous gas, and she couldn't think straight. And then she was dizzy, floating in a world where there was nothing solid to stand on. She as flying...flying...but her wings were being torn off. And the sun...it was there, but when she touched it, it was cold, and the clouds were hot to the touch. It was too hard to fly through the air, for it was like wet tar, pulling at her, scratching at her, not letting her breathe. But now she wasn't flying, she was swimming, but she wasn't swimming, she was drowning, drowning in the memories, the ones they had made up

She laughed, she giggled. She was back, back into that world where nothing was everything and everything was nothing. There would be no fishing line to lure her out.

[``Jennifer MacKenzie]

Jenny had been wondering what would happen, and she got her answer when the girl broke out into a smile, if that's what it could be called. It was not a nice smile, and it in fact confirmed the feelings that Jennifer had previously - that this woman was a predator. But she was no animalistic predator. She was someting else, something...foreign.
She also had the oddest look in her eyes.
"Such a funny word...hello, means nothing, but betrays all. Without something to make a peep, no reason, no flesh, unless flesh is known, but how else to seek it? Only truth..." The girl's speech trailed off, as if she had forgotten what she would say, and then, for a brief, sudden, terrifying moment, Jenny's eyes locked with those of the other girls, and it felt as if the world shifted and re-arranged itself, lending a dark and more sinister aura to where it had not been before.
There was a moment - a quick, accelerated moment where Jenny felt as if she were suffocating, and then, the miasma of confusion was slashed away by the transcending peels of - laughter, giggling, chuckling, - was there really a word for what the girl did? But whatever the case, it was enough to break whatever hold the girl had held over Jennifer. Free at last, she made a sort of squeaking sound, and attempted to back away - a thing made rather difficult by the fact the the young red-headed girl was still sitting at the edge of the dock with her legs dangling down.
Still, Jennifer managed to get herself upright, and also managed to back up far enough that there was a crate between herself and the maniacal brunette girl with the threatening aura.

Sorry - I hit a dead end...