A Change of Heart [OPEN]

[Emlyn Zynooth]

Lately, living had just been too much for Emlyn. He hadn't exactly been in love with last week, but sometimes he agreed that feeling no emotions was better than feeling emotions like this. Or maybe the real problem was that he couldn't decide on which emotion he was feeling, but he knew he needed to...a difficult task for someone who just ignored feelings usually. Emotions were not important, actions were, and before he had thought that he could act without feeling anything, but it seemed that that was no longer the case...ever since she had turned his world upside down.

The sparse woods of young trees seemed like a good place to go. Not many people would come here to bother him, he had had quite enough of that. He sat against a trunk with his knees to his chest as he gazed with his usual hard look upon his face. Talisman was actually sitting in his lap, and he was stroking her with robotic timing. Treasure was tied to a nearby tree, but was given enough lag that he could come over should he feel like it. This was good. He could just pretend that none of it ever happened, and then just avoid her for the rest of his life.

It was the coward's way out, but then again, lately he'd been wondering if he was a coward. He had run away from the Russian army, he had run away from a real relationship with his father, and instead of catching up to her and asking her what it meant, he had ridden in the opposite direction. He gave himself excuses though. He had been bewildered, she had caught him off his guard, and she probably hadn't wanted him to run after her either. Of course she hadn't. What would he have done anyone? Exactly, we would've stood there and blubbered like an idiot.

In short, he had no idea what to do, so he was doing nothing. What had she meant by, "That's what I think of you?" Okay...perhaps he did know what it meant, but he was trying to avoid the obvious and come up with different reasons for her actions...cause it made no sense. He had been sure before that she just liked treating him like dirt...but, it didn't seem like that anymore. Maybe she really did...but if she did, what was he supposed to do about it? It was already hard enough trying to figure out his feelings about himself and now he had to decide what he felt about someone else?

He groaned and hit his head back against the tree. No wonder he avoided people before. Life was simple when it was just him, his horse, and his cat. A life without conversation was life without unneeded complications, the kind he always liked.

[aithne erinn endellion]

empty streets, i follow every breath into the night.
the wind so cold, the sun is frozen, the world has lost its light.

[/size]

It was from the woods where Aithne followed a path up towards the mountains. ”A visit to Saor’s mountains would have been too hard to pass up,” she thought, with a small smile on her face. Earlier that morning, Aithne had promised herself that today was a day of relaxation, so no pant-gathering for her. But, it would have been stupid of you to believe that. Of course Aithne brought her basket; she claimed she brought it and was going to use “only if she needed to.” Who would honestly believe that? Well Aithne did, and she was indeed in the mountains.

She was walking in a rather fast pace, etching to get closer to the more fertile ground. Her basket was located in her right had, and it swung gently as her arms swayed back and forth. Looking around, Aithne could see that she was getting to the woodland part of the mountain which excited her. But, yet, the ground didn’t look fully fertile. A look of confusion crossed her face and she stopped her movement. Was she in the right place? Oh no… she wasn’t lost again, was she?

Aithne began to look around, in a frantic way. She seemed to be all over the place, searching for another path. Eventually, she roamed far away from the path, making her feel even more uncomfortable. Though, with her basket in hand and her woolen shawl over her shoulders, she pressed forward.

She didn’t stop her walking until she saw a figure in the distance. Aithne turned to the left and peered around a tree. More figures? One looked human, the other, however, looked more animal-like. Aithne’s eyebrow rose as she kept herself hidden behind the tree. ”I wonder who that is,” she thought, peering around the other side of the tree. She quickly, yet quietly, moved forward so that she could hide behind another tree that was closer to the figures.

Aithne still couldn’t see who it was, and she doubted that she would even know who it was. But, she suddenly felt the strange sensation that she was being watched, whether she really was or not. Turning; Aithne’s back hit the tree and she breathed slowly, wondering it she would be spotted.

[/blockquote]

i carry your picture deep in me, back to you over 1000 seas.
back to us, don't you lose your trust and your belief; just trust me.

[Emlyn Zynooth]

Emlyn crossed his arms as a cool breeze blew by him. It was chilly, but not enough to send him to find some other place to stop and think, only it seemed now that the thing he was mostly doing was trying to avoid thinking. Maybe he could put it off again, and do what he really felt like doing. What did he feel like doing anyway? He searched his head...breaking things, that's what he felt like doing. It sounded much better than other things. Now he just need to find something to disturb...

He found a stick on the ground. He gladly picked it up and snapped it in half, then again, and again...until it was too small to be broken into halves and Emlyn threw it away, frustrated. Nothing seemed to work, did it? There wasn't really anything else good to break around here. He would not stoop to hurting his animals, especially since they were the only comfort from everything. However, when he did stand up suddenly, he did knock Talisman off his lap, who threw him a nasty look before scampering back up onto Treasure. Now Emlyn felt bad again...he had let his feelings out.

Then he thought he caught eye of something...someone, and he immediately felt angry again. He desperately wanted to be alone. But then, he thought he recognized the shape, and the style...and then whoever it was darted behind a tree. That was odd. Emlyn cocked his head and went forward to investigate, putting a hand on the hilt of his sword in case it wasn't someone he thought he knew. Then he saw a bit of hair sticking out from a tree, and when he rounded it, he aw someone he definitely knew.

"Aithne?"

[aithne erinn endellion]

from today all days are only half as long, nothing left to love about.
yesterday is one million years ago, day before already went down.
time's been replaced by a countdown, the sun is shining in the night; so here are words just think twice.

Aithne breathed in slowly, to try to avoid being caught. She knew if she were caught by this unknown person, she would be questions and possibly hurt. Her fingers scraped against the bark of the tree, and her eyes moved from left to right. ”Keep your composure, woman!” she yelled in her head. Was it really that big of a deal? Well, yeah, you could say that. Especially if you were so small at anyone could break her in half, as if she were a small toothpick.

But, as she heard footsteps come closer to her, she quickly closed her eyes, as if that would help her. Her basket dropped out of her hands; once the person was close, she opened one of her eyes. Though, once she saw who it was, she immediately closed her eyes again and let out a sigh of relief. It was only Emlyn… wait, where was Ceara? She was with him when she left and Aithne thought that they were “partners” or “good friends.” Aithne. Wait… that was her. Her eyes opened and she looked up at the man with a semi-confused look in her eyes.

”Why are you out here alone, Emlyn?” she asked him, mentally slapping herself in the process. He was just going to throw the same question back at her… she had to think of something cunning to reply back to him if he did. Looking away from him, she opened her mouth to speak again, ”… where’s Ceara?”

Aithne began to twist the top of her shoe into the dirt, and then she kicked it slightly. Her foot hit the basket that she had dropped only a few minutes ago. She bent down to pick up the grasses and different herbs that had fallen out.

live every second, here and now; don't let go.
live every second, here and now; don't let go, before it's to late, before it's to late.

[Emlyn Zynooth]

She sure was acting odd, but then again, she wasn't the most normal person anyway. He remembered how long she had been in shock after he had accidentally knocked her over. Perhaps he had surprised her. Well, that was to be expected, he hadn't exactly thought he would see her around. He had thought she was going back to Skye the last time he saw her, but she was a healer, so maybe she was still in Saor looking for plants that couldn't be found where she came from. He guessed that it made sense.

"Ceara?" he asked, bringing up a hand to rub the back of his neck, "Why would she be here?" What...what if Aithne thought that they were already...a couple? He froze at the thought and decided that she only thought that they were close friends...neither of which were exactly true. Were they even friends? Yeah...he guessed so. Were they even good friends? No...how could they? He barely knew her at all. He didn't even know if she was from around here or who her family was or what her favorite color was. Which was why her action made even less sense...

"What are you still doing here?" he asked Aithne. He knew it sounded a little rude, like he wanted her out of the country, but he was just curious. She had seemed to be in quite a hurry to leave last time, or maybe it was just because she had been attacked and now she felt more comfortable. Still, he was glad to see her. She was less confusing than Ceara, even though it was still difficult for him to talk to anybody. Perhaps she could even help...no, asking for help was out of the question.

[aithne erinn endellion]

where are the people that accused me?
the ones who beat me down and bruised me.
they hide just out of sight; can’t face me in the light.
they’ll return but i’ll be stronger.

Aithne finished picking up all the fallen grasses, ”Oh, I just thought since you two were friends that you’d be found together. At least, that is what I guessed friends would do.” It shocked her how much she spoke in that sentence, but once she began speaking, she felt that she had to explain herself more and more. Why was that? Was she wrong to think that of them?

After placing the grasses in her basket, she stood back up. Her eyebrows shot upward when he asked why she was still here. Wasn’t it obvious, or did he not know of the mountain’s fertility? She shook her head mentally, before she set her gaze upon the ground. Her face softened, ”… why should I tell you?” You could tell by the tone of her voice that she was joking; she even looked up at him and batted her eyelashes at him.

Her lips turned upwards to show an ambrosial smile, and this time she replied more sincerely, ”…so you wish for me to leave?” She placed her left hand on her hip and laughed lightly. ”I came to Saor to look for plants, silly,” her voice could have lured people to know for a fact that she was, indeed, childish. Her brown-grey eyes looked from side to side, slowly, until the rested upon Emlyn. Oh, how she wished she would have stayed on the path and found a few plants. Then, she could walk back to the not-so-safe town and lock herself in a room of an Inn and not come out until she needed food or was going home. But, she was determined not to go home empty-handed.

Finding Emlyn instead of another man in the woods was more relieving, but it made her wonder if she was always going to find comfort in the safest things in life. Where was the adventure that everyone else craved? Did she not seek adventure? Sometimes she wondered; sometimes she thought about just going on an adventure splurge because, hey, she didn’t have a lot to lose. She was already forty-three, even though she didn’t looked older than seventeen, so was there nothing to lose?

Aithne snapped herself out of her own thoughts.

god, i want to dream again; take me where i’ve never been.
i want to go there; this time i’m not scared.
now i am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable.
no one can touch me, nothing can stop me.

[Emlyn Zynooth]

"Well..." How could he word it? Why should he even try? "We don't know each other very well..." Maybe that was the answer to his problems, he could just pretend that that had never happened, and at the same time, pretend he had never yelled at her and then let what would happen, happen. But would she even let him do that? Horror struck him when he thought about even looking at her again...what if she tried to do that again? Did she expect something of him? Did he expect something of himself?

She had made a joke, but Emlyn didn't laugh. He had never been a laughing person, and he had never really made a joke in his whole life. But not doing anything made him feel awkward, like he had ruined yet another "moment."

"No, I'm sorry..." he said, turning faintly pink and staring at the forest floor, and then he sighed, and looked at her again. She was very beautiful, and very kind, and less confusing, where she and him friends? He had to wonder. She had helped them once, but perhaps she only thought of him as a client or a patient or something like that.

"There don't seem to be many plants around here..." Puzzled, he looked around at his feet, and then back at Aithne. That added to the strange way she had been acting, he came to a conclusion, "Are you lost?" He sure wouldn't mind spending time with her, an actual person who could talk that wouldn't...at least he sure hoped she wouldn't...no, she wasn't like that, she was completely different from Ceara and he didn't have a reason to start yelling at her either. They could be on the same page.

[aithne erinn endellion]

where are the people that accused me?
the ones who beat me down and bruised me.
they hide just out of sight; can’t face me in the light.
they’ll return but i’ll be stronger.

”Oh?” she spoke, her head turning to the side. It appeared to Aithne that they were at least friends on good terms. But, she had to remind herself that things were never as they appeared. She remembered what Ceara told her, about how she liked him; she could almost laugh at how Ceara thought that Aithne knew something about men, or “boys.” But, as she eyed Emlyn, she wondered what about him did Ceara like. His hair which was a peculiar color? Or was it that he just looked protective? His eyes? Aithne probably wouldn’t ever know without getting to know Ceara better, to see what she liked.

It also became apparent to Aithne that Emlyn either didn’t take jokes well or just wasn’t a person who was into the occasional “laugh.” Her face immediately twisted into something that was unsure of what to say, she was rendered speechless. Her eyes were cast downward as she kept searching through her brain for words to say, but nothing came.

There don’t seem to be many plants around here… Well, he was right. If she just would have stuck to that darn path to begin with, she might have made her way up the mountain a bit more, and found something decent. Maybe something like… the witch hazel. It bloomed the prettiest flowers during the cold seasons; they were either red or yellow and had a very delicate smell. Aithne became happy just thinking about it.

Are you lost? Aithne couldn’t lie to herself, she was indeed lost. Her eyes made their way back up to look at Emlyn. She laughed lightly before she began to pull on her curls, allowing them to spring up once she let go. ”You could say that,” she said, as a small tinge of pick embraced her cheeks.

god, i want to dream again; take me where i’ve never been.
i want to go there; this time i’m not scared.
now i am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable.
no one can touch me, nothing can stop me.

[Emlyn Zynooth]

"Well then," Emlyn began, sounding more brave than he actually felt. He could just ignore it...but could he really? He couldn't just say, 'that's nice,' and leave he, what kind of a gentleman would he be then? he had never really card about things like that, but he still felt he owed her something. He remembered how desperately he'd been looking for a healer, and how utterly lost he had become on where to find one. And then she had just stepped out, like she had been sent, and she had healed them so well...

"I'll show you the way..." Uncertainly, he went back where he had come from and untied Treasure's reins from the young tree and led him back to Aithne. He wouldn't offer her to let him ride him again, since he already knew she was scared of large animals, and he wouldn't ride him either, knowing it would be rude. He'd just lead the gelding. Now he had to remember which way to go...he looked around to try and see, he had come from over there, so the path was in a 'that way' direction.

He tried to keep his eyes on the ground in front of him, or, if he couldn't do that, the glistening coat of Treasure, or even Talisman's great blue eyes, but his eyes strayed back to Aithne every once in awhile. As much as he hated to admit it, he could see why those men from before had wanted her. She looked...almost exotic. He realized what he was thinking and quickly turned around, before he could have any chance to make eye contact. Looking each other in the eyes would not be good, for him, her, or anyone else in the world. He was just performing a favor.

[aithne erinn endellion]

where are the people that accused me?
the ones who beat me down and bruised me.
they hide just out of sight; can’t face me in the light.
they’ll return but i’ll be stronger.

The color in her cheeks faded as she waited for his words. He had already spoken, but she could tell that he wasn’t finished. Aithne kept playing with her curls and looked around before she heard him say that he would show her the way. She smiled brightly, like she approved, and she pushed herself off the tree. She waited for him to get his horse before she began to follow after him. But, she was still wary of that fact that horses kicked, so she moved over, quickly, to the side.

”Just out of curiosity…,” she said, swinging her basket back and forth, in her soft tone, ”… do you happen to be in favor of Ceara?” Aithne played the question off, however, if he wished not to answer. She looked at the trees, watching how the same species had different heights. The taller ones seemed stronger and the shorter ones seemed to be weaker, from being shaded from the taller ones. Wait… did this have some kind of relevance to her?

Her long eyelashes brushed over her cheeks every time she blinked. She began to wonder if that was something she had gotten from her father, his eyelashes. Because, Aithne would always remember her mother, but her mother didn’t have long eyelashes. She wondered what other genetic qualities she had received from her father. Her hair? The only things she had from her mother was her height and eyes. Aithne poked her chin, and began to wonder if she had gotten that from her father too…

god, i want to dream again; take me where i’ve never been.
i want to go there; this time i’m not scared.
now i am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable.
no one can touch me, nothing can stop me.

[Emlyn Zynooth]

The second she said those words, Emlyn's eyes widened and he stopped dead. What was this? What...it didn't make any sense! Did she know? No, how could she? Unless Ceara had found her before him and told him...but she wouldn't have done that, would she? Wait, what exactly would she have told her? Or maybe Aithne had been put up to this? Would Ceara really do that? Didn't she know him well enough to know that he just wouldn't...how well did she know him anyway? How well did either of them know him?

"What?" he asked, alarmed, "What do you mean..." Was she really asking what he thought she was? Did she know something he didn't? What...possible reason would she have for asking something like that? Or was she just guessing? But...she shouldn't guess something that didn't exist, right? Did it exist? Crap...she was forcing him to decide then and there...or was she? Could he just worm his way out of it? Or would she keep pressing the issue on him? Why in the world did she want to know? 'Just out of curiosity' didn't make sense.

"I...I..." He gripped Treasure's reins harder. This was just too much for him. He had failed at three things in life, heat, height, and dealing with people, now he could add a fourth, 'matters of the heart.' But did this even classify as that? His head was just swimming with confusion and bewilderment. There had been a reason he avoided people, a reason why he had always stayed on the outskirts, on pausing to delve in at times of need. But he did not have a need for this. All it was succeeding in doing was making his head hurt.

[aithne erinn endellion]

where are the people that accused me?
the ones who beat me down and bruised me.
they hide just out of sight; can’t face me in the light.
they’ll return but i’ll be stronger.

Her heart sunk, ”I’m making him uncomfortable.” Removing her finger from her chin, Aithne placed her hand over her chest and pulled her shawl back to the front, for it had twisted to the back. Though, she kept her hand in place, as if it were warm there. Her heart thumped hard as she tried to figure out a way to talk her out of the mess she had created. She didn’t bother to answer his questions, because that would just lead to more bafflement.

When he began to hold back his words, she flipped her hair slightly and tried to move her curls back to the front without touching them. Aithne succeeded, and with that success in her mind she tried to squirm her way out of the mess, ”… never mind, you don’t have to answer that.” She thought that she could help Ceara out, by trying to figure out if he had any feelings toward her. But, he seemed to have some sort of shell that Aithne couldn’t quite figure out.

Actually, as she thought about it, it was rather stupid of her to ask such questions without actually knowing anything about them to begin with. A small sigh escaped from Aithne’s lips; her left arm dropped to her side. Her eyes were half-shut, and was watched where she was walking by looking at the ground. ”Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable…,” she said sincerely.

Aithne didn’t know what else she could say to him. As she thought about the stupidity of the question, she cursed herself, ”… wow, Aithne, you sure know how to make people feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”

god, i want to dream again; take me where i’ve never been.
i want to go there; this time i’m not scared.
now i am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable.
no one can touch me, nothing can stop me.

[Emlyn Zynooth]

"No, it's..." Who was he kidding himself? But...she was wrong about one thing. She hadn't exactly made him uncomfortable...more like scared out of his mind. He was now wondering if the way he and Ceara acted made people think...no, they wouldn't think that, would they? But then why else would Aithne ask something like that? It had to have come from somewhere...she didn't seem like the kind of person who would be interested otherwise. Well...it was all Ceara's fault! If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't be thinking and feeling these things.

"It's not fine...ugh." Okay, he needed to stop. He forced himself to stop and take a deep breath, a very deep one. He held it for about three seconds before letting it go slowly. He unclenched his fists and tried to relax his body. He could be calm, he was usually good at it. he just needed to stop being scared and thinking about all the possibilities. He was practical, and logical, this could be solved that way...he hoped. Couldn't it? Why not? Well, he could try...once he learned how to take measurements on people's hearts...

"Did she say anything to you?" Yes, that was a good way to start. No more freaking out. He would find the source as soon as possible. If it really had been a whim, then he had nothing to worry about where Aithne came into things. If...not, he would deal with it coolly. He would not break down. He would not yell. He would not stutter. He would not curse. He would not break things. Yes, having some ground rules would be good. Oh, and no matter what happened he would not tell her what Ceara had done...the very idea turned him pink.

[aithne erinn endellion]

where are the people that accused me?
the ones who beat me down and bruised me.
they hide just out of sight; can’t face me in the light.
they’ll return but i’ll be stronger.

Aithne forced her eyes to stare at the ground. She didn’t really want to look at Emlyn, even if it was the back of his head. She began to feel somewhat at ease when he began to speak, but… he stopped. What was going on? Aithne crossed her arms as he began to speak again. So, it really wasn’t ok? Then how many times did she need to apologize to make it ok? If not, did she have to do something for him? Aithne shook her head and pushed her crossed arms tighter against her chest.

But, she didn’t suspect him to stop walking. Aithne didn’t pay attention to what he was doing, nor where she was walking for that matter. She listened to his question, wondering what she should say. Should she tell him what Ceara said to her? Ceara never said that Aithne couldn’t give clues or it all away… or did she? Aithne couldn’t remember anything other than the most important information that Ceara gave her…

Then it hit her. Actually, no thought came to her mind, but she did manage to bump into Emlyn. Her head snapped up, and she realized she had managed to hit the his back with her shoulder and half of her face. Aithne, once fully aware of her surroundings, took a short step back.

”Um… I-I…. I mean, well…,” she said, moving her head around as if she were searching for an answer. ”Ceara… um,” Aithne light voice squeaked slightly, before she swallowed and opened her mouth to speak again, ”… see just told me that… um… she liked you and… well, she wanted my advice, but I really couldn’t give it to her and… um…” Her eyes dropped, ”… I must have done something wrong again.” Aithne blushed slightly, realizing her fault, ”…I told her to just talk to you, go gain some common ground, basically. But, then again… that’s never worked for me.” She laughed lightly before her tone became more serious, ”…nothing has ever worked in my favor.”

god, i want to dream again; take me where i’ve never been.
i want to go there; this time i’m not scared.
now i am unbreakable, it’s unmistakable.
no one can touch me, nothing can stop me.

[Emlyn Zynooth]

Aithne ran into Emlyn, but that was not was caused Emlyn to go into shock. Did she just say...what he thought she said? Oh no, she did...didn't she? He sucked in a breath and tried not to let a sound utter from his lips. He had told himself no matter what she said he would remain calm, and he would try as hard as he could. He could do this...he had done lots of things harder then this. He had trained to be a d*** Russian soldier for God's sakes, this was nothing to that. Right? Right?

So...that had been what she meant. If she had said it to Aithne, than she obviously hadn't been joking, or fooling around with him, which he was glad of for it had been his first time...but now, knowing that made it even more confusing. Why would she...? was he really that likable? He never thought of himself as so, he was just there. No one liked the person who was just there. He was the type of person whom others would remember for his blue hair and nothing else, they wouldn't even remember his name. In all reality, he was nothing special. He considered himself at the same skill level as any soldier or warrior or knight.

He shook his head slightly and continued on. After all, he had promised her to show her the way and still had to live up to that, regardless of the current situation and the fact that he was feeling wobbly inside. He hadn't really been able to concentrate on anything she had said after...that. But he guessed that he was glad she said it. It was better to know for sure than to just be stuck in a puddle of thoughts when half of them might not have been true. Still, the question still stood of what the hell he was going to do when he saw Ceara again.

"Oh god...what am I going to do?"